Who Am I ?

As holidays are going on, I get enough time to catch up with myself. Today I got inspiration to think about my life at length and surprisingly I discovered many interesting things about myself and life. So the important question I asked myself today was Who Am I ? I thought for some time. I got two possibilities.

1. Am I a person I always wanted to be ,holding onto my values, holding onto my own convictions and beliefs?

2. Or have I become what someone else forced me to become.

So I asked myself what are my values, convictions, inspiration, passions, beliefs?And if bychance they did exist where have they gone??? Well it seems I buried them as I tried hard to become a person someone else wanted me to be.First thing I realized was I am trying hard to become someone who is someone else’s idea of how Meru should be.Speaking clearly I took a U-Turn just so as to be more acceptable to people around me,. People who failed tremendously to acknowledge my uniqueness , my values and my beliefs. So what did I get after all these years? Loosing my self esteem, loosing my confidence, loosing my originality , faking myself to be a sexy girl when I am inherently a tomboy. Only because someone thinks he loves girls in heels I have to wear them when half of the girls of my height carry themselves well by wearing flats, slippers and floaters. And they look so damn cool, only because they are being themselves And I must admit I tried hard to build up myself what others (I shall rather call them outsiders) expected of me. But all gone in vain as surprisingly they still complain about me , backbite me ;taunt at my clothes, my looks ,my hairstyle or why I wear glasses ,why I don’t have a boyfriend etc etc etc .I am so uncool from there prospective. ACCEPTED with full humility.

But as the saying says it all-”Better be a first rate version of yourself ,instead of a second rate version of somebody else “.So I try to disagree here with everyone making interfering in my affairs and judging me.

So going back to question I asked myself today .Who am I? Lately I have been doing my meditations regularly and reading inspirational books. It has given me a chance to have a deep insight into my own feelings and emotions. It is an amazing experience. Words cant possibly express the magic of delving deep into our own precious, special and beloved self. For many of us we get messed up and ruin our lives only because we fail to make that connection with our own self .


We do try very hard to make connections with our peers, family, lover but sadly forget making that connection with our own self. We think by pleasing people around us we can achieve love, bliss or possibly happiness. We die to belong to someone. Be it a friend , a group, a social class, relative. But what we fail to realize is that when we are so caught up in making those connections with outsiders( as I will call them from spiritual prospective ) ,we totally loose that connection with the most special person in our life who is we our own selves. How many people will blatantly disagree with me, that at the end of the day, what we want is self assurance ???? But again unfortunately that self assurance is converted into an assurance from someone outside who will tell us “Dude you looking nice today in that T-Shirt(which should be branded for sure)” or “You have got a sexy girlfriend” .What we forget is, in the above case it was a designer who made a nice T-shirt. It is not because of you that your girlfriend is sexy. She is sexy just because ‘SHE IS’. We fall prey to such compliments and think it is our achievement that we have got all these things. Also sadly in life these compliments are found in rarity and comments or unwanted suggestions are found in abundance. And we fall prey to both unknowingly.

What we don’t realize is that these are just things or stuff.

When we shall die ( Death is an inevitable reality dude) what do you think you will carry with your self to heaven or hell (depending on good deeds as is widely believed in all religions). - A hot girlfriend? Or a vast estate? Or MBA degree from IIM’s. How about a BMW……….Oops!!! System Error. Yamraj doesn’t provide for all the extra luggage!

You are only allowed to carry your own beloved, precious, gifted, unique soul. So now ask yourself what does that soul carries? (I know its looks like a boring, intellectual,’ who cares for this’ question) . But for a moment just give yourself a chance here and think about it .What will thy soul carry with itself? Money ,T-shirt, hot girlfriend?

NO. Not even a loved one even if you try badly for it ( As kingdom of God doesn’t provide for these services. No offence to all the atheists. Well can call it divinity, nature, supreme self for your convenience). But that eternal soul doesn’t carry any materialistic thing. What it does carry with itself are some impressions which are result of our good and bad deeds or we may call it our consciousness or our blessed conscience.

If this wasn’t true. then why we are born with some innate qualities like truthfulness , affection, warmth, honesty and most importantly our conscience. That is the reason why on one hand some children who grow up in an abusive environment still grow up to become loving and affectionate people, but some others bred in a comparatively comfortable, secure and happy childhood end up becoming selfish and corrupt people. Outside circumstance does affect us like our parents, friends, schooling but believe me or not it is that conscience and holding onto our own innate values, beliefs , convictions which we accumulated over many births that make us who we REALLY are from deep inside ( It is really deep!!!)

It is for us to first identify, then acknowledge and finally honour those beliefs, to abide by them and bend our life into a direction which only serves them.

And realizing all this takes time and patience. I am not here asking someone to live on Himalyas like a rishi and meditate. It can be done by sitting alone for 30minutes Unfortunately people have this misconception that meditation is something boring or related to God and prayers. Believe me it is NOT.. It is about identifying , meeting ,seeing, hearing, touching, knowing and finally falling in love with our own self. It really is this simple. Even a dumb ass will understand this.

Trust me you are your best friend and best adviser. Its all within you. All the amazing power. And anyways what happens when we take someone else’s advice. For a moment it seems perfect, but then you start doubting the same advice, sometimes even doubting intentions of the adviser, hence ending up mistrusting that person and even more your own self. Well I am not suggesting here to become a loner and live in some Himalyan Hermit ……………….But to love yourself and most importantly know yourself first . Not that fake love hidden in pride and arrogance(very common). But a true ,pure, eternal love. Love which can’t be shaken by any outsider .Love whose foundation is strong and permanent. And when you will reach this stage (I hope everyone does) , you will automatically be affectionate ,lovable, comforting, tolerant and helpful to that outsider. You will understand your own life and its complications and will definitely be better equipped to bring a smile on the face of every person you meet. All you need is a deep contemplation and if possible some meditation.

All this comes straight from my heart. And I guess I wrote this primarily for myself .I don’t know about anyone ,but whenever I will be in distress , this blog will let me connect with myself.

As now I realize this is Who I Am. And I will strive to stick to my own self , my beliefs, values and conscience till the end……………………

So that I can die a self assured death

God bless all